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Life is Still Killing Me   
01:23pm 01/07/2010
 
mood: depressed
I've been trying not to dwell on the past. On mistakes I've made and the people who've hurt me. But it's really hard. I am 50 years old. Or at least I will be in November. I have nothing. Nothing at all. That's pretty sorry if you think about it. Jeez, I should at the very least have a damn CAR. But no, I have nothing.

My mother called me a piece of garbage a couple weeks ago. She wasn't even arguing with me, she was arguing with Eric. She was mad because he'd been watching a movie with me in the bedroom. She was feeling ignored so instead of saying something to that effect, she decided to make it about how dare he spend time with me, the piece of garbage who didn't even want to raise him. Forget about everything that led to he and Devon being taken in by my mom. She was saying that she HAD to take them in because I didn't want them.

I hate her. I really do hate my mother. And obviously, she doesn't like me very much either.
 
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Life is the worst thing that could have happened to me   
10:22am 09/06/2010
  Why was I ever born? All I've done is make a mess of everything. I had it good for a while there, but when my dad died I just LOST it. Now I'm stuck with my mother, who resents the fact that I loved my father and also resents the fact that my son loves me. It gets harder every day to keep it together. I am so unhappy.

It's funny. In the past when I've had my heart broken I would be so hurt that it would be an actual physical pain. But I still always had the teensy weensy little hope that maybe whoever it was would make it all better -- especially if I manaaged to get back together with them. No matter how unrealistic, it was enough to get me through the bad time until I was able to move on. Here, I have no such hope to cling to. This woman has always been viscious, vindictive, spiteful and mean. People who I've tried to talk to about her always say, "Well, she's 80 years old and old people are crotchety -- just cut her some slack." Why don't they believe me when I say that she's ALWAYS been this way? Every day of my life she's been making sure I know how little she cares about me and how unworthy she feels I am of being alive.

But rather than end myself, I've decided to bide my time. Eventually, I will get a job and will save enough to at least get me away from Vegas and this awful woman. And then I will have nothing whatsoever to do with her. EVER AGAIN. Last time I cut off from her it was for four years. This time will be til one of us dies.
 
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Life is only hurting right now   
06:08pm 14/05/2010
  So when I spoke to Eddie last night he said that his service may be shut off for about 12 hours because he couldn't find a payment place...of course last night he was drunk off his ass so that may have been part of the problem. Anyway, when I called him today, sure enough, it was shut off. I hope he gets it turned on soon. I hope he calls me soon.  
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Life is only hurting right now   
11:43pm 13/05/2010
 
mood: optimistic
My cousin Eddie found me! He was at my uncle's house (my mother's brother is married to my father's sister) and they gave him my phone number. My mother refused to get his number for me and I don't have any of my family's digits in Florida, but he found me ANYWAY! I am so glad! We are already talking about moving in together. The problem is that he is also living with his mother and is looking for a job. However, he's a chef and knows quite a few people in the restaurant business from when he lived in Miami years ago and I'm optimistiic that he will soon be gainfully employed and able to find a place for us. Eddie. My favorite cousin! I can't believe it right now. Gods, I hope nothing messes this up. I have to leave Vegas. I HAVE to. This city is killing me a little bit more each and every day. I'm just a walking husk of a person right now, seriously. We'll see. He wants to talk to me every day. Shit, I want to talk to HIM every day. Since my father died, Eddie's the only person alive who loves me just for being alive. Tonight he told me he fell in love with me when we were 12 years old. How adorable is that? As for me, I've been in love with him my whole life. We were just always so far apart geographically and if we weren't, one or both of us was in a relationship. Of COURSE, none of our relationships has ever lasted. I don't care what society says: Eddie and I were destined to be together and now we will be, dammit! The time before I can leave here and go to him is going to take forever to pass. Gods, I hope I can last.
 
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Cassandra Murphy   
03:04am 23/03/2010
  I remember when I was around 8 or 9 and I was walking down the street we lived, Barton Avenue. I had pretty much stopped speaking with a Spanish accent, but my esses were still not sharp enough. So I walked down the block from Louise's house to mine saying "ess, ess, ess" over and over again. By the time I reached my house, I knew I'd never lisp another ess in my life.  
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Life is Killing Me   
01:04am 20/03/2010
  I've been watchng Tyler Perry movies tonight. Why Did I Get Married? and Diary of a Mad Black Woman. All his movies have people with real-world problems and they deal with them in the way that real people do, for the most part. But the one thing that they all have that I don't is a family that loves them. I have never had that. And all the people I've ever loved with all my heart and soul have disappointed me, hurt me, turned their backs on me, lied to and about me, gone behind my back and...well, anything else you can think of that you aren't supposed to do to someone who's always been there for you. I realized a while ago that one reason this always happened to me was because I always forgave these same people. Just like a child with no consequences for their bad behavior, these people knew that I would always be there for them regardless of how they treated me. They took the love I had for them for granted. The fact that I loved these people meant less than nothing. It meant almost as little as the fact that they hurt me. So today I have no real friends. Kari is back in my life, but I often wonder why she's my friend. I guess that doesn't make sense...  
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Life is Killing Me   
02:10pm 14/03/2010
  I am having a bad day. A bad week. A bad month. A bad LIFE. I try to look at the bright side of things, but I'm finding it harder and harder everyday.  
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Life is Killing Me   
01:24am 25/01/2010
 
mood: depressed
So here I am, still stuck in Vegas and feeling like this fucking state is just trying to kill me.  I cannot even begin to articulate how much I HATE this fucking place.  Thinking about the last few years here makes me wish I would just die in my sleep already.  I spend most days feeling that I have absolutely no reason to live.  I don't even have a damn job to make me feel like at least my boss would miss me, if only until he or she was able to replace me.  How sad it that?  Jesus, how pathetic is my life?

And can someone please tell me why, as depressed as I am, I don't have the balls to kill myself?
 
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What Kind of Flower Are You?   
02:31pm 03/03/2006
 
mood: amused
Cornflower
You scored 38% exotic, 27% fragile, and 59% complex!
My reading of your spiritual petals says you're tenacious and down-to-earth.
Traditional flower symbolism, however, says that Cornflower stands for delicacy and refinement.
Now you might have to get a third opinion.
Your opposite is the Bauhinia. (Yes, I wouldn't know what that looks like either, so I'll help you: it's an exotic tree with large bright pink flowers.)




My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:


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You scored higher than 25% on exotic

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You scored higher than 7% on fragile

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You scored higher than 35% on complex
Link: The What Flower Are You? Test written by gnomee666 on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the 32-Type Dating Test
 
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My Lover Style -- hmm....   
07:58pm 01/11/2005
 
mood: amused
The Liberated Lover
63% partner focus, 66% aggressiveness, 70% adventurousness
Based on the results of this test, it is highly likely that:

You prefer your romance and love to wild and daring rather than typical or boring, you would rather pursue than be pursued and, when it comes to physical love, your satisfaction comes more from providing a wonderful time to your partner than simply seeking your own.

This places you in the Lover Style of: The Liberated Lover.

The Liberated Lover is a wonderful Lover Style, and forms the kind of free-thinking, sexually-exciting, self-confident lover that society once condemned but that a liberal-mind cherishes and exults. The Liberated Lover is a treasure to find, though it can sometimes be difficult to do so because they are often already engaged in relationships or are in high-demand if "in the market."

In terms of physical love, the Liberated Lover is possibly the most thrilling and demanding of all, with the one potential drawback being that it is possible to feel 'overmatched' at times by their prowess and selfless giving. Given trust and understanding, and the right lover, the Liberated Lover can be a delight in bed.

Best Compatibility can probably be found with: The Exotic Lover (most of all) or the Carnal Lover, or the Suave Lover.

Congratulations!

If you enjoyed this test, I would love the feedback! Also, you might want to check out some of my other tests if you're interested in the following:

Nerds, Geeks & Dorks

Professional Wrestling

Buffy the Vampire Slayer

America/Politics

Thanks Again! -- THE LOVER STYLE PROFILE TEST




My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:


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You scored higher than 48% on partner focus

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You scored higher than 82% on aggressiveness

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You scored higher than 82% on adventurousness
Link: The Lover Style Profile Test written by donathos on Ok Cupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test
 
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My Sexual Hell Rating   
10:22pm 14/10/2005
 
mood: contemplative
HELL LEVEL 2
Raw score: 71%
You're just about as deep in sexual hellfire as a person can get. Virtually no urge, however demented, will go ungratified; practically no boundary will go uncrossed. You're probably proud of your adventurousness, and, honestly, you should be. Few people are confident enough to pursue pleasure on their own terms.

Your morals could sink a bit further, sure, but it's likely that you've got a pretty good idea of what you're into and what you would do...above all you're honest with yourself with what you want. If more people were honest with themselves, you'd have a lot more company down in the flames.

AVOID: the lost souls in sexual heaven and (above all) the denizens of sexual purgatory. You don't need any prudes or wishy-washers in your life.




My test tracked 1 variable How you compared to other people your age and gender:


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You scored higher than 49% on hellishness
Link: The Sexual HELL Test written by jason_bateman on Ok Cupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test
 
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